The Nephew
Monday, September 14, 2009 at 12:06AM
Bojacob in Humor, Stories, Stuff

I didn't really expect this project of mine to take this much effort.  My brain cells are hard-wired into thinking in code.  Why, I even wondered why my bro wouldn't execute the leaveBrothersFoodAlone() function.  Perhaps he's buggy.

The glow of my screen shines on my face, in a room with only a lonely light.  I tapped away, trying to fix bugs and implementing the required features, until I heard scratching on the door.

*scratch*

Hm, we don't have a puppy here.  Nor do we have a cat.  In fact, I thought I was alone at home.

*scratch, scratch*

Voice:  immlegoo ....

It was only natural that the hairs on my back would rise when hearing this eerie demonic incantation.  I wasn't exactly scared though.  Of course I wasn't scared.

*scratch*

Ok, perhaps a little scared.  No no, not scared.  The word would be... startled.  Yes.

Voice:  YAAAAMGAAAAHAGA

Ok, I'm scared.

The door handle jiggles slowly.  I wondered if I should arm myself with this Turkish delight, or perhaps a pizza slice.  I abandoned the thought as my eyes met with my favorite weapon of all time:

The pillow. 

If it's anything I've learned from Mafia movies, the pillow is quite the deadly-

*dull thud*

Baby voice: .. unn ..un .. wwuhhhuhuh

A primal instinct rose, the instinct of an uncle nursing a baby when the frikkin dad is nowhere to be seen.  I opened the door, and sure enough, my baby nephew apparently fell flat on his diapers.

Me:  Well great, thanks for making me look silly, mighty ghost of the frikkin house.  Where's your maid anyway?

He stood up silenty, his height no higher than my knee.  He went through my legs and headed straight for my glowing keyboard.

Nephew:  mmbbe .. bu bub .. imblthh ..

Me:  Yeah, no.  If you don't want me going all Kung Fu Panda on you, you'd best leave that PC alone.

I pulled him back and sat on the chair.  Seeing a pillow in my hand, I gently threw it at him.  It bonked his head and fell to the side.

Nephew:  eheheeehe

Me:  Ah, like father, like son....

Nephew:  mmmbz?

Me: ....you're both weirdos.

I got back to my work, trying to catch my train of thought.  Yes, this event-based coding actually sucks sometimes to be honest.  I have to frikkin write-

*guitar strum*

I have to-

*louder strum*

Me:  Hey Alfredo, mind turning the flamenco down?

Nephew:  geehe..

As if to spite me, he pulled my guitar strings so far back that I almost heard a cry from strain.

*STRUMMMM*

Me:  Ok that's it!  No guitar for you!

I picked up the damn thing (the guitar) and put it at the top of my cupboard.

Me:  There.  Now what other form of entertainment can you find in my room?

He stood silently, looking at me and smiling.  I should pinch him for being so cute.  I suppressed the need, however, and went back to my chair.  He followed me.

Nephew:  mmma

Me: What?

Nephew:  mmmaa

Me:  I don't follow.

He got closer and wanted to climb up into my lap

Nephew:  mmmmma

Me:  frikkin-

He looked at me, and I saw the saddest set of eyes I have ever seen.  It's as if he was saying "my life depends on doing this.  I must get on your lap and play or we will all be doomed.  I'm only doing this to save you, even if it means at the cost of my own life.  I'm begging you.  Please."

I sniffled, blew my nose and hugged him for his noble sacrifice.  I picked him up and put him on my lap, facing my keyboard and screen.

*bang bang bang*

Nephew: heeehehehehehee!!!!!!

Me:  Ok let me open up notepad at least and you can type whatever you want

*bang bang!*

Me:  Would you hang on for just a minute!  Look you're adding to my code.  Even if your code makes more sense than mine.

I quickly opened up notepad and maximized the screen.  He can bang to his heart's content. 

*bang!*

What's this?  His tiny hand is moving for the mouse! 

*click click!*

Me:  Who the hell taught you that!  You make a geek proud!  Oh my .. oh no I'm not gonna cry..

*click click close 8 gig download*

Me:  Ok now I'm gonna cry.

*bang bang click click create shortcut for Internet Explorer*

Me:  Ok buster, you crossed a line now!  Off!  Go!

I picked him up and put him on the floor again.  The blue glow of the "Power" button seemed to entice him.

*PUSH!*

Me:  No nononono!  Oh ... oh man whew, Vista just cancelled the shutdown.  At least I can save my files!

*PUSH RESET BUTTON NEXT TO POWER BUTTON*

The computer screen blinked.  My eyes blinked.  I put my hands on my head, despair mounting each passing moment as I remember what I didn't save.

Nephew:  aammueugguh!  heehee 

I wondered if I should squish this little squirt.  I looked his way, and he was still pushing the reset button.

*push push*

sigh.

Maid:  Is he having fun with you?

Me:  Huh?  Where were you?

Maid:  He wanted to come into your room.

Nephew:  daaada.

He came and raised his hand, waiting for me to shake it.  I shook his tiny little hand and saluted the execution of his terrorist plans in record time.

Me:  You can get him now.

She comes and picks him up.

Maid:  Say bye bye to uncle!

Nephew: bubyyee..

He waved his hand at me, blew me a kiss, and left the room.

I blew a kiss back as he left the room.  I sat there once more, watching a rebooting computer in front of me.  Losing hours of work because of a little terror...

Crazy as it may be, I really couldn't help but smile :)

 

twerp.. I'll get him when he's older.

Article originally appeared on Bojacob's Den (http://www.bojacob.net/).
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